An open letter to the Fry's employee with the bowl haircut I saw today

Dear Charlie,

You have the sexiest facial hair ever. Now, I'm not usually (by usually I mean never) attracted to men with facial hair. Beards are gross. However, your mop-top haircut accented your well trimmed beard and lovely brown eyes quite well. I have never seen you before, perhaps you only work weekdays, or are you  new? I visit the Fry's in Industry practically every weekend, and I am pretty sure I would have made your acquaintance already. In fact, I know you are new. "Checkout line escorters" (the person that tells you what register number to go to) are on the bottom rung of the Fry's Electronics corporate ladder. No offense Charlie. By the way, I didn't get a chance to look at your name tag. My father said you look like a "Herbie", apparently, he doesn't share my fondness for you. In line, I saw you and you saw me. The clerk at nearby register #24 was ready; the red light was flashing. However, you stalled. "Uh um, number 24," you finally said. Miraculously, I had found exactly what I wanted- a Rubik's Cube keychain, $5.99. While my dad was making the transaction, I noticed you glancing over at me. We started toward the entrance, I never got a chance to say a word to you, or even steal a glance at your name tag. So Mr. Charlie, if you read this, I want you to know that I would absolutely love to get to know you, and maybe we can have great heated discussions about electrolytic capacitors, integrated circuits, and vegan ethics. Because well, you do look like a vegan dieting, computer science nerd. And I'm cool with that. You can check my RAM any day. 

Till next time lover, 

Catherine Carroll

How I (possibly) insulted my senior portrait photographer

How the sitting went:

What's wrong Catherine?

*awkward nervous face*

It's only the most important picture you'll ever take in your life.

Okay, go sit down on the chair.

Already??

Uh yeah.

So what do you do at El Rancho?

Uhm I go to school...

Are you like in any sports... Choraleers?

Oh yeah I was my first year.

And you got out because Sandra left?

Uh yeah, sure.

And the new lady isn't good enough for you?

Uh no.

He finally proceeds to take some shots. 

Think about that cute guy in Choraleers.

I must've made a really bad face because right after he said,

Oh nevermind.

Aren't there any cute guys in Choraleers?

No. They're all gay.

Gay? Poor thing...

Takes last few shots.

Alright you're all done, have a great vacation.

In retrospect, I think there's somewhat high chances that this dude was in Choraleers, he knew Miss Espinoza's name and all. I didn't get the "LOL-that's-hilarious, kids-say-the-darnest-things" reaction I was expecting. Did my assertion that gay guys usually enjoy singing and dancing while wearing sequined costumes, upset him? Was he reminded of painful high-school memories? If so, I am very sorry, Jorge (whore-hay); assuming that is your name. If you don't photoshop that pimple on my chin, or if you add text reading "HOMOPHOBE", superimpose Michael Jackson's nose over my face, etc. I'll forgive you, I absolutely deserve it.

the inevitable arrival of the giant zit

before picture day. Thanks sebaceous glands.

Anybody have two plane tickets to San Francisco? I'm desperate. Really, really desperate. That bizarre dream I had with the 10 year old Mexican boy, could be you... Just drop a pair of round-trip coach airline tickets by Wednesday, and that fantasy can be yours. Just contact me via email, catscarlett[at]gmail.com.

Not Since Hell's Kitchen Have I Been This Excited About a Reality Show*

Today is the season premiere of Reality Bites Back. The half sketch/half reality show parodies a plethora of popular reality shows. For example, The Biggest Loser becomes "the Biggest Chubby"; whoever gains the most weight, wins. The ten contestants, or comedians compete in extremely humiliating contests for a prize of $50,000 and will be crowned "Lord of Reality". And guess who's hosting? Mr. Black of course. Well, after just seeing a spot with a man in his underwear dancing on a table in front of Michael Ian Black, I have a lot of hope this show is going to be fucking awesome. I am going to Tivo the hell out of it.

Reality satire at its best.




It premiers July 17, 2008 at 7:30/9:30 PM on Comedy Central.

*I wasn't this excited for Hell's Kitchen, in fact I've never been excited for a reality show. Reality shows are horrible, and I don't care how hilarious you think "Wipeout" is.

Confrontation... Oooooh

Michael Ian Black vs Tucker Max on The 91X Morning Show

There is a literary show down happening between two of the greatest comedic minds of our time:

Michael Ian Black of ‘The State’ fame and Tucker Max who is Mahoney’s drunken womanizing hero.

Mat Diablo, being an avowed fan of This American Life is more of a David Sedaris fan, incidentally.

We had Michael on our show today talking about his new book ‘My Custom Van: And 50 other Mind Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face’ when we decided to bring our friend Tucker into the mix to confront Michael.

Okay, "two of the greatest comedic minds of our time" is a bit of a stretch, Tucker Max is nothing short of a misogynistic drunkard. In fact, that's what he is. The whole "feud" itself is hilarious, unfortunately Tucker's fans are totally impervious to ironic humor. Oh God, now I'm going to get my ass kicked.

Today Is Going To Be A Great Day I Can Feel It

Michael Ian Black's book comes out today. Now, of course I already have my copy, but I will be going to the local Borders to rearrange the new releases. I suggest readers (there's got to be someone that reads this) to check out the book. Oh who am I kidding, no one reads books anymore.

Today is the day I finally complete the Shadow Temple in Orcania of Time after a three year hiatus of playing. Then I'm going to watch Wet Hot American Summer. After such a busy day, I am going to stop by Borders and make sure My Custom Van is well... displayed.

UPDATE: I actually went somewhere today. OMG! Right after watching WHAS, I started my book review for My Custom Van (albeit I have not read the entire thing). Well it turns out, writing a book review for a book you haven't read before, is pretty difficult. So in frustration I called up Braga, and instead of advice, she invited me to the magical world of Savers. Well, I scored two awesome shirts, a plaid flannel, and a ringer. After, we went somewhere to eat, chicken nuggets, hint-hint. Then we went to Borders on account of my obsessive compulsiveness. You see, today was publishing day, so I just had to check out the display for the book. The book was placed with other "new nonfiction", right next to it, The Rise of Barack Obama. Niiiice.

So, I Saw Paul Rudd at Ruby's on Monday

Or at least his red vinyl pants wearing twin brother. My mom picked me up and we went to my sister's to converse on Monday evening. After, we went over to Huntington Beach to eat at Ruby's on the boardwalk. Well, after being intoxicated by a black forest milkshake, my sister's husband's sister's daughter, in shorter terms, my "cousin", Jasmine proclaims, "Daryl Palumbo!". So naturally, I put down my chicken tender and look around for a short hairy man. None. She points to a 6 foot something, bearded hipster and a strange red faced woman in a booth near ours. Why her face was so red, I will never know, however, I theorized that due to the man's extremely translucent pants, her face had actually absorbed a great number of red pigment... or she forgot to put on some sunblock. Anyways, I realize, holy shit, it's Paul Rudd (that one dude from Anchorman, the 40 Year Old Virgin, & Knocked Up)!!! How freaking serendipitous, I had just ordered Wet Hot American Summer. He just kept staring at us. Well, I don't blame him, we kept taking his picture with our phones, and I kept begging Jasmine to ask him if he was THE Paul Rudd. But alas, it wasn't Paul Rudd. Because a)Well fuck, I don't know... uh his jaw wasn't very angular, yeah that's it. b)Mr. Rudd is married, and his wife looks reminiscent of Meredith Viera, not the Cleveland Indians mascot. Well, regardless this Rudd clone was quite interesting, and certainly became the highlight of my day, no week, no, my whole vacation...

Pixelated bliss.





Wow, uh what the hell is my mom doing?! Perhaps she too, was aware of Paul Rudd's presence? Anyways... you got to admit there's a lot of similarity.

Don't you agree? Methinks so.